i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
