Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
