he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i've created a new STD.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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