I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
too bad you live with your parents still
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
