I will die if light touches me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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