You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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