eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
