yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
