my mouth tastes like poor choices
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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