you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize