since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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