You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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