he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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