My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
