i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
