do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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