I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Couch. On fire.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
