go do what you do best...puke behind churches
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
