3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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