And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
