Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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