Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
