i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
