Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
