I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
