I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
