You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
