Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
