I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
