She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize