the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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