yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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