I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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