"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
