If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
