I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
