the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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