; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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