last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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