I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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