He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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