Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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