dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
