3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
