I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
