it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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