Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
