If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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