I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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