I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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