Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
