He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
