dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
