Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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