With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
