Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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