I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
