Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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