I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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