Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
